That’s Incestry, Not Ancestry, You Lantern-Jawed Fool!


Now here’s a discovery:

Ned happened upon this marvellously shocking site whilst researching the many cells of obscure European royalty active on the dark web, plotting Restoration. – addressing the prognathus-jawed, the cross-eyed, the slope-headed, the thin of hair, the short of tooth and flakey of skin, the wet and hanging of lip – facilitates the tracing, primarily by royalty, nobility, and the overtly well-bred, of family roots. So to speak.

Unsurprisingly, has garnered a host of evanescent 5 Star Reviews from descendants of the Romanovs, the Saxe-Coburg-Gothas, the Windsors and Battenbergs, the Bourbons and Valois, Ludwig The Mad..

Not to mention assorted Egyptian, Korean, Thai, Hawaiian and Inca nobility, plus a global diaspora of intimately-related kin. Prime – a blue-ribbon service, for a not-inexpensive monthly premium – has proven particularly popular with the blue-of-blood.

But what if you’re not Royal? Not a big-jawed Hapsburg? Not a necrotic, floppy-footed Tutenkhamen nor a haemophiliac Tsarevich? Nor, sliding down the social scale, a Lesser Heehawing Knob with very close relations?

What if you cannot even claim descent from ignoble but eminent consanguinites, such as Charles Darwin and 1st cousin Emma?

What if you are merely one of the swinish multitude?

Yet, nevertheless, a swinish commoner who suspects in-grown branches on the Family Tree? Or is aware of an unexplained family quirk? Or keen to unlock the origin of that stumpy left arm, those oddly-paired pupils and flapping ears, the inability to do basic sums and catch the bus? Just fond of a sibling? A mummy’s boy? Daddy’s girl?

A little judicious navigation is required, but – without enthusiasm, it must be said – does offer democratic options.

Click on the Social Pyramid icon.

Scroll down the Social Scale – high bourgeois, lower-middle-aspirational, habituated-to-welfare, park bench, etc – until you reach your Class Level.

Highlight your Class. Hit Enter.

Open a whole other world of Documented Incestry.

Download the app. Trace suspect breeding as you go. Don’t forget to Like.

Shocking. Shocking.

That’s all for now.


Remember: Cause trouble. And teach your children well.

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